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Current Mood

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stressed

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Shamefully, no apologies. Too wrapped up in my own dysfunction. 

I've been sitting and biting. Between my teeth, tearing flesh and pulling it from my fingers. Licking at the blood that wells, and again, and once more, as it pools to the surface. Colorful bandages cover colorful torn skin. Your hands, and, what happened, and, are you okay....? Always. Perfectly fine. Just trying to stop those nasty nervous habits.

Been reading a book about - how funny is that? - a little girl tricked, thinking she knows what she wants, but I'm sure that by the end, she'll be scarred and scared forever by the bad decisions she's made. Those decisions she thought she'd made herself, but almost for sure, she was just tricked. It wasn't her fault, was it? Because it seems like it was, but please say it's otherwise, please.

Cracked lips pull and sting. Chewing, scraping, splitting, hurting. It's nerves, just my nerves. I can't help it, anxious habits, nervous ticks, things that take my attention. Tap tap tap tapping feet, crossing and uncrossing and crossing constantly fidgeting legs, I can't sit still at these desks.

Haven't looked in the mirror much. Don't want to, don't need to. Food doesn't taste good. It shows. Sleep hardly ever comes. It shows too. Doesn't seem to matter. Stills says I'm pretty. Is a little concerned though. I'm still drinking a bit too much. Still uses me. That's all that matters. This "clever tongue" you seem to love so much doesn't wish to work right now. Why should you love the tongue, the mouth, the eyes, the skin, and not the boy for the boy's sake?

I'm alive, but am certainly not happy.

[	Tags	|	emo, fucking douchebags, maggsy, stupid issues	]
[	Current Mood	|	crushed	]

Still being antisocial around here. Will remedy that soon, but internet is unreliable here, and I probably won't even be able to post this after I write it; we'll see. So, sorry, kind of. Whatever, I'm a bad friend anyway. That's what Maggie thinks of me. You wanna know why? Cos I fucking worry about her and tried to stand up for her, since she won't do it herself, but apparently my school boy heroics didn't fly with her.

Maggie was getting ready for her date with Brad, when she quietly informed me that the two of them had had sex, and she obviously wasn't thrilled about it. The problem with this is that Maggie's always said she wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. While that wouldn't work for some people, it was a fine decision for my good little Catholic girl, and I respected it. But it's not just that, either. I finally worked it out of her that Brad gave her some shit about if she DIDN'T have sex with him, it'd mean she didn't really love him and he'd have to break up with her.

After I got somewhat over the "that's fucking ridiculous, how could you be so stupid, you're old enough to know better than that" part, I realized he coerced her into having sex, which she never wanted to do in the first place. So I asked her if that constituted as some sort of rape. So she got upset and insisted that it wasn't, and I got upset and insisted that it probably was. I'm not sure. But I think so.

Either way, it just kills me. Nobody lies to my Maggie. Nobody takes advantage of her like that. But I tried to be good, for Maggie's sake, once Brad got to her house. And then I said "fuck it" and hit him in the face. That went back and forth for a while, and it was to my disadvantage that I am, as I've mentioned before, short and scrawny. Brad, however, is very much the opposite, and came out relatively unscathed. Maggie yelled at me to "Go home, Vincent!" So I left her house bloody-mouthed, bruised-faced, and broken-hearted, and now she won't talk to me.